Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
