Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
