Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
