dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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