I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
