I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
