I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
