So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
