Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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