Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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