Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
