It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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