Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
