this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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