Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
