My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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