yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
