If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
