If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
