Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
you made out with another girl for some wings
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
