What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
