He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
