the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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