Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
