There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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