We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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