you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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