very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
My hand turned me down
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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