you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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