Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
