Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
