hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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