But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
