i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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