I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
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