I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
