Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
