And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
