I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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