That's when you crack a 10am beer
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
