On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
