My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
