If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
