i jhust puked up my retainher.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
