all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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