ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
