I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
