I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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