The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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