i just sent this text using only my big toe
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
